Facing my Demons
Over time in 1-1 work some common themes emerge: issues which provide challenge for many at all stages of their careers, irrespective of age or experience. One of these themes is facing into challenges or ‘demons’ which others present or our own internal self-limiting beliefs i.e. different types of ‘demon’. These demons can disable us from operating effectively and with confidence.
This piece will explore some of these demons - the sources and what remedies can be developed and applied overcome them.
Firstly, what are we talking about? Well, external demons include others who:
· Create fear or anxiety in us
· Make us feel diminished
· Intimidate us (either intentionally or unintentionally
· Cause us to act unauthentically
· Arouse feelings of anger, jealousy or irritation
External demons are not always other people but can be
· Lack of time
· Overwork
· Deadlines
· The job is just too big or complex
· Context shifts
These are just a few, but you get the idea.
And then there are the internal demons:
· Imposter syndrome
· Self-limiting beliefs
· Self-sabotage tendencies
· Nerves – anxiety, fear etc
· Performance anxiety
· Past patterns
The effect of any or some of the above is very real and corrosive and often manifests in poor well-being (lack of sleep, illness, low mood, stress, depression) as well as affecting performance – the ability to operate freely, effectively and with necessary impact.
The good news is that 1-1 work and coaching can help make sense of all of this and with time and application provide new approaches and remedies to help free ourselves from the forces which bedevil us.
Identifying the challenges
Firstly, it is important to get the whole story: what is happening, what is the context, who is involved and what is the impact on you? This is a process of careful clarification and surfacing all the elements of the challenge faced. Building trust with clients is critical because, after all, we are seeking for them to share vulnerabilities and often deeply held fears.
Analysing recent incidents and episodes can be a way into this – what happened, who was involved, how did it make you feel, what happened next, how did it all play out and what questions are you left with? Capturing the issues, emotions, patterns outcomes is helpful in order to move to exploring remedies and alternative strategies.
The clarification process enables trust and understanding to build. Demons are treacherous things and like to cloak themselves and hide under various disguises! The more they are brought into the sunlight of understanding, the more naked and approachable they can look. For example, an intimidating colleague may, on closer examination, have their own issues and their impact on you are incidental and, in your perception only. Or, your anxiety at presenting is very much in your own mind and based on how you feel at the time – whereas feedback from trusted friends or colleagues is positive and fulsome.
Strategies
Once issues have been identified and isolated, the next question issue is first things first – being realistic about the priority to tackle and how long it may take is helpful and reassuring. Long held patterns of thinking and behaviour take time to modify. Using the image of the brain with its deep neurological grooves is helpful – to re-route those established grooves requires application and determination which if successful will forge new pathways. In time, with work, these new pathways can become your default providing confidence and new capabilities. This may sound like hard work and somewhat ambitious – and it is – but focussed 1-1 work can and does work – with remarkable results.
So, what are some of the approaches and strategies?
Demons rely on being in charge – creating nervousness and fear. What they don’t like is being ‘met’ with corresponding power. So, the focus will often be on building up a client’s personal power. This can take the form of:
· Armouring – seeking to build strategies with deflect incoming threats or assaults on our vulnerabilities. These include creating context or distance from the issue or meeting it with a different narrative e.g. I’m okay with this, I’ve dealt with it before.
· Anchoring – building a different picture of yourself which encompasses your successes and capabilities – ‘this is doable’ based on my skills and past achievements. This can also involve working on a personal metaphor – an image of yourself at your best and most powerful.
· Forgiveness – being easy on yourself and others. We are all human, we are all vulnerable, we all makes mistakes. Cut yourself and others slack by normalising the crap that swirls around us – Demons hate to be normalised – they can feel their power evaporating. GRRRR.
· Patterning – Working on new patterns to break the old. It could be a different route to work, scheduling meetings differently, changing how you prepare for encounters/presentation etc. This latter could be more preparation (including armouring and anchoring…) or, perversely, less preparation because over-preparation feeds anxiety and disables the ability to be ‘in the moment’. A significant pattern change could be to lean in rather to back away from a demon – standing up to the challenge can disrupt and change the dynamic. There is risk, but in the realm of ‘challenge’ there are useful questions – What is the worst that can happen? If I don’t grasp the nettle, will anything ever change? How will I ever be heard if I don’t speak up? What’s really stopping me? A demon is a bully, and bullies don’t like being challenged back – they rely on fear and compliance. Fight back!
· Confidence building – Accentuating the positive. Keep a diary recording affirmations and achievements. Seeking feedback from valued friends and colleagues which improve your perspective on yourself and your work. Listening to compliments – holding the imposter syndrome at arm’s length. Considering your achievements in all aspects of your life – you are a whole person who wears many hats - you know you can do this because you do it all the time in different contexts!
· Inner voice, not internal critic. This is a build on the above. Imagining these two voices in your ear – one feeds constantly seeks to diminish, the other relays messages of self-belief and kindness to self. Practising turning the volume down of the demon internal critic can be liberating – but not easy – diligence and self-awareness is required constantly.
· Practising (action learning) – using the first things first approach, target something to try differently. Maybe not too ambitious – have a go and then review. How was it? How did I feel? What worked? What didn’t? What could I do next? This approach builds capacity and capability with the help of the 1-1 coach. Often, initial small successes are startling and revelatory! And so, the neurological grooves in the brain start to alter. It can feel like build muscles you didn’t know you had. And the poor demon starts to get pushed around…
· Bodywork – this can be breathing techniques, exercise, improving sleep or working on catharsis – anger, tears. This can all help in reducing stress and using external movement to mirror internal shift.
· Changing the context. Sometimes demons are endemic in a certain context or situation. It sometimes helps to completely change the context or rewrite the rules of the game. This isn’t running away or surrendering. It’s saying from a position of control – I’m not going to play this game anymore. This could be quitting your job, applying for something different which plays to your strengths, seeking mediation, taking time out, changing work patterns (moving to part-time for example). It’s about disruption and fundamental change because otherwise, despite all of the above approaches you are still held in something which does not work for you. Interestingly enough, often when this approach is explored, the demons already feel a loss of power and more options emerge. This could be ‘I actually like my job; I just need adapt the role to me instead of doing all the adapting!
In summary, all of the above strategies are centred in an appreciative, affirmative building of personal power – as your power increases, so does the demon’s decrease. A supportive coach will help you name the issue, face into it, build internal capacity, deploy strategies and build on successes.
Empowerment can lead to freedom and control – and demons banished, or at least, held safely at bay.
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