Silence is golden - isn’t it?
‘Most of us know how to say nothing; few of us know when’ - anonymous
In coaching sessions, clients often say to me “I really wish I’d spoken up in that meeting” (more than I hear them say ‘I wish I hadn’t spoken up!’). To say something or remain silent, is often a decision ‘in the moment’- leading to long musings after the event on “when do I feel I can speak up”, and “when does it just not feel safe?“
Mulling this over with clients, has led to some fruitful discussions on not only when to speak up or stay silent, but also some ways of getting support to help you overcome any barriers you might feel in speaking up. Ultimately, it is up to you to make the choice depending on the context, but here are some considerations that have worked for clients who want their contribution to be heard in meetings:
Be prepared: If there is an item on the agenda you want to address, talk to a colleague before the meeting and get them to open the door for you - for example by asking you a prearranged question. Support others in return - perhaps by asking them directly for their input during the meeting.
Permission: Give yourself permission to speak - you know something about the subject, you have some relevant questions. Frame them beforehand so that you know what you are really asking . If it isn’t a question , but an opinion, that’s fine - don't apologise for that !
Contribute to the agenda: Find out how the agenda is shaped and consider what you want to be included. Approach the gatekeeper and ask for your topic or question to be included.
Use of language: The words we use may mirror how we are feeling and impact on how others hear us – rehearse so you don’t sound apologetic about your input!
Fielding Feedback: You may fear unjust criticism, but be prepared to listen with an open mind. You might need some phrases to acknowledge what is being said without necessarily accepting :”Can you tell me a bit more about what you’d like me to do differently?”, “It would help me if you could give a couple of examples when you’ve experienced that”, etc. Let the person know what it is you are hearing by summarising and repeating how you understand what is being said – sometimes when others hear a summary they recognise it isn’t what they intended to convey.
Test the water: You don’t have to try all of these tactics at once ! Try them out and see what happens , what works, what can you build on. Notice how you feel - are you feeling more confident to speak ?
Bigger picture: Consider what are your roles you tend to fulfil in the team, and check out if that is how others see you? You are then in a position to consider if you want to inhabit diffrerent roles or improve how you show up in the roles you believe add value. Are you a Gatekeeper - noticing when others are waiting to be brought into the discussion? Are you a Clarifier, by listening to what someone is saying and playing back what you are hearing. Are you an Expert - perhaps more so than others present ? How can you share your expertise in a way that will be heard (perhaps by taking an evidenced based approach?). Or are you the Conscience of the group - ever aware of the stated values of the business and motivated to remind everyone of what the values are and how the discussions or proposed actions are reflecting this, positively or negatively. What other roles do you hold, and what do you see others holding?
If you have direct experience of what has worked for you, please share in the comments to add to the strategies available for individuals who want to speak up in meetings.
Speak to be Heard
Finally, Oasis runs a well established short course called Speak to be Heard which helps you to cultivate your own unique presence, make a genuine impact, and influence those around you.
“Honest communication is built on truth and integrity and upon respect of the one for the other.” – Benjamin E. Mays
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