power and presence
Power and Presence - the whole person in coaching – how I turn up.
Talking more, listening less, slightly sleep deprived, thrilled and delighted, frustrated and impatient, understanding and compassionate, poor on boundaries, and meandering.
This is how I can sometimes experience groups and teams that I enter as a guest, coach, facilitator or consultant. But recently this wasn’t the group, it was my own contribution to it.
Before any words are spoken, before decisions are made or authority is exercised, something more fundamental is already happening.
‘I’ arrive - as a body, as a nervous system, as a history, as a future, as a now, as a field of attention. And others feel me.
That subtle moment, the quality of our presence, is where power, care and relationship begins.
How I show up is at the heart of this.
The Power Beneath Words
When I first started working with teams, I was often struck by how much could shift in a room without anyone changing the agenda. One person would enter - anxious, distracted, impatient - and the whole group would tighten. Another would walk in quietly, centred, and somehow the conversation would settle.
It wasn’t charisma or technique. It was presence. The unspoken transmission of attention, intention, and emotional tone that shapes what becomes possible between people.
In Whole Person Learning, I often talk about congruence - the alignment between what I know, what I say, what I feel, and how I act. When those dimensions are in tune, presence becomes a form of power. It’s not about dominance, but coherence. Others can sense it as steadiness, safety, possibility and clarity.
When I am fragmented - thinking one thing, feeling another, saying a third - that incongruence ripples out too. People sense it instinctively. They may not be able to name it, but they’ll feel uneasy, hesitant, or disengaged.
The Whole Person in the Room
Coaching, leading, facilitating, at their heart, is not a set of tools. It’s a way of being. The quality of our presence can regulate or discombobulate a person or a whole group.
That’s why Whole Person Learning begins with awareness - of body, emotion, thought, and deeper intent. The body tells us when we’re contracted or open. The heart tells us whether we’re connected or defended. The mind tells us the story we’re making up about what’s happening.
When all of these are noticed - even briefly - power becomes more conscious.
Presence precedes action.
We influence before we speak, and the quality of that influence depends on the quality of our attention.
It’s also why the most powerful contributors are often those who listen most deeply. They hold a space large enough for others to think, feel, and discover what matters. They don’t collapse into other people’s anxiety, nor do they dominate with their own certainty. They contain - and that containment is power used in service of relationship.
Power as Energy, Not Effort
When people think of powerful contributors, they often picture activity - drive, vision, action. Yet authentic power often arises in stillness.
In our work with coaching and facilitation, we sometimes talk about the shift from will power to energetic power. Will power pushes; energetic power attracts. It comes from presence, coherence, and connection rather than force.
A coaching client once told me she realised her team’s creativity rose and fell with her mood. When she hurried in tense, they went silent. When she was grounded and curious, ideas flowed. ‘I thought leadership was what I said,’ she reflected me. ‘Now I think it’s what I radiate.’
This isn’t mystical or dark art - it’s relational. Our nervous systems are constantly in dialogue with those around us. Power is transmitted through tone, breath, and attention as much as through words or roles.
Practising Presence
Presence can’t be faked, but it can be cultivated.
Here are four simple practices I’ve found useful, personally and with those individuals or teams that I coach and develop with:
Arrive before I begin.
To take 30 seconds before a meeting to notice my breath, my posture, my emotional state. I ask: What am I bringing into the room?
Feel my feet.
When tension rises, I drop my awareness into my body. Feel my connection to the ground. It helps regulate my own system and can help signal safety to others.
Listen with my whole self.
Notice not just the words, but the silences, gestures, and emotions in the space. Listening fully is one of the most potent forms of power and potency there is.
Have a speaking partner, some call the person a coach, 1-1 developer or ‘magician’.
I have spaces where I don’t carry the load, am able to turn up in all my frailty, wild ideas and doubts – and reconnect with my own centre. Being with another or others who notice me is deeply powerful in connecting with myself.
Presence isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness. Even the act of noticing my distraction or defensiveness starts to change the field.
The Paradox of Presence
Here’s the paradox: the less we try to be powerful, the more our true power emerges.
When I stop performing being a coach, or being Nick, and start inhabiting it - fully, humanly, vulnerably - I become more trustworthy, I trust myself more. People feel they can be more themselves. Influence grows not through control but through connection.
That’s the essence of whole-person power. It’s not about size, status, or certainty. It’s about coherence. When what I think, feel, and do is aligned, my presence becomes a steady force that others can lean into as needed.
An Invitation
Next time you’re preparing for a moment that matters - a conversation, a presentation, a negotiation - pause and ask:
What energy do I want to bring into this space?
And what might change if my presence alone could carry that intention?
Power isn’t something we switch on when needed. It’s something we become when we are fully here.
And for those in the meeting with me, you’ll know who you are - thank you for turning up as you did, in all your honesty, openness and willingness to shape and generate together – I look forward to showing up more as I would want next time.
I want to end with this wish for myself from a longer piece by John O’Donohue, whose work I appreciate deeply.
May you know the wisdom of deep listening,
The healing of wholesome words,
The encouragement of the appreciative gaze,
The decorum of held dignity,
The springtime edge of the bleak question.May you have a mind that loves frontiers
So that you can evoke the bright fields
That lie beyond the view of the regular eye.
This blog series is an invitation into curiosity, honesty, and deeper leadership. We’re glad you’re here.
Nick Ellerby is a coach and Co-Director at Oasis Human Relations, one of a group of thirty plus practitioners working in partnerships across sectors as coaches, hosts, convenors, speaking partners, facilitators, researchers and changemakers.
Why not try a FREE Discovery Session to see if an Oasis Coach would be right for you? Just click on the button below.